Wake up（110）

 

110

 

Nan Yangsheng accompanied his grandfather He Jiafu to visit the old Chinese doctor Chai Jianhua. The two old men met again, and their common experiences and ups and downs made them talk about everything.

In order not to disturb their conversation, Nan Yangsheng went to the yard outside the house alone. He turned on his phone again and searched for another diary written by writer Fang Fang. The title of that diary entry was "Would a good life be rewarded with kindness?" ".

Writer Fang Fang wrote in his diary:

Uncle Hua's family is family friends with my family. This friendship goes back to when my mother was in middle school. Uncle Hua's wife, Aunt Jingxiang, was a classmate of my mother's second sister. When my mother went to study in a church school in Jiujiang, my mother's second sister entrusted my mother to Aunt Jingxiang. This was about sixty years ago. Since then, the friendship between my mother and Aunt Jingxiang continued until my mother died. Because of Aunt Jingxiang, for many years, the Hua family has been like a relative to my family.

Among the people I have met, there is no one with a better temper than Uncle Hua. I almost never see him angry. Even when he talked to the most unreasonable person or the most naughty child, he always smiled and spoke softly. Especially for children, no matter which family they belong to, in the eyes of Uncle Hua, they are all his children. When he is among them, he will always show a sincere joy on his face, and then he will take out a handful of candy from his pocket. I remember in the late 1960s, Uncle Hua took me to the street. It was a rare time for me to go out, and when I went out, I ran all over the street. Uncle Hua followed me and ran around in the crowd, neither stopping me nor criticizing me, as if It is also his greatest pleasure to follow my wishes. This incident left a deep impression on me. At that time, I even thought that it would be great if adults were like Uncle Hua. Uncle Hua's love for children is not divided into any level and has no end. Maybe it's because Uncle Hua is a Catholic.

Uncle Hua once studied medicine in Japan and became a doctor after returning to China. During the Anti-Japanese War, when my parents were in Kunming, the Hua family was also there, and Uncle Hua opened a clinic. Often some poor patients have no money to see a doctor, so Uncle Hua doesn't charge. Not to mention, he often took out the money in his pocket for patients to buy medicine. My mother often said that Uncle Hua has the best heart.

My family has an indissoluble bond with the Hua family. After my parents left Kunming, after many twists and turns, they moved to Nanjing, and the Hua family was also in Nanjing. Then, my father was transferred to Wuhan due to work, and the Hua family moved to Wuhan before my family. When the two adults sat together, they often wondered, saying that their occupations were different, and they didn't make an appointment beforehand, so they came together as soon as they walked, and they went to three cities in a row. I don't know why. During the decades in Wuhan, the Hua family was almost the only relative in my family who could walk around.

But in 1957, the kind-hearted and good-tempered Uncle Hua was beaten as a rightist, and the Hua family has been living in the shadows ever since. The reason why Uncle Hua was labeled as a rightist seems to be because Uncle Hua likes to write some small articles to popularize common sense of hygiene. If it is said that such small articles can also cause harm to the country, it will really make people laugh out loud. However, Uncle Hua ruined his life because of them: he is no longer qualified to be a doctor. The content of his life is only "transformation". The word "reform" has indescribable connotations for Chinese intellectuals. In this huge "reform" army, Uncle Hua, like everyone else, can only bow his head and confess his guilt, obeying orders.

In the late 1960s, Uncle Hua was assigned to be in charge of registration in the hospital. Although this kind of thing should not be done by someone like Uncle Hua, the "reformed" Uncle Hua didn't even complain. With his eternal smile and humility, he is very dedicated and serious in doing this simple job that can be done without any medical knowledge, so serious that it makes you think why this person is so naive? In the 1970s, Uncle Hua finally waited for the day of redress, but he was already old. And soon got sick. All the things he deserved, such as a house, no longer have his share because of this "oldness". Uncle Hua, who is old and sick, has been lying in bed for seven years. The family has always lived in two very small houses, using the common kitchen and toilet. It is very painful and helpless.

The last time I saw Uncle Hua, he couldn't speak. It was the eve of one of my business trips. On that day, a few minutes after I left, Uncle Hua passed away. When I came back from a business trip and went to Hua's house, I only saw a will of Uncle Hua. It was written in the will that he would leave his body for the hospital for autopsy, and that his funeral expenses and pension would not be paid. Please use the money to buy some candy for the kindergarten children. When I read the will, I felt sad and at a loss. I imagined that a person like Uncle Hua would have such compassion for the world he lived in. Why does life treat him so badly, but he always repays life with kindness?

There is an old saying in China that goes, "Whatever is good is rewarded with good". I used to have a lot of respect for that quote. However, when I saw Uncle Hua's life of kindness and frustration, I felt that the feelings of life and the principles of books are very far apart. I even thought, is it right for people to be kind all their lives?

Nan Yangsheng read another diary entry written by writer Fang Fang on his mobile phone, "Why is your face full of sadness?" ".

Fang Fang wrote in his diary:

In 1966, my father's unit posted a notice announcing a list of people who had to quit "surplus" housing. My father's name is also in it. In fact, my house at that time was less than 80 square meters including the kitchen and bathroom. It was not spacious for a family of men and women, but the notice had been issued, and it was impossible to check out. So, I had to withdraw. After checking out, Uncle He's family moved next door to ours, sharing the kitchen and toilet with my house, just like the current Tuanjie household. the

When we first moved here, Uncle He was not at home, only Mother He and his youngest son He Chengzhi lived here. Because they were all in the same unit, we soon knew that Uncle He was an active counter-revolutionary and a historical counter-revolutionary in the Survey Office, and he had been sent to the field team. I remember being taken aback when I first heard the news.

The He family has six children, two of whom are in Xinjiang, and the other three do not live at home. Mother He is a very funny person who likes to read and is good at cooking. Although the two families share the kitchen and toilet together, they get along very well. When their children came back and had no place to live, they would come to my house to squeeze in; and sometimes my mother would let me eat at He's house when she went out. It really feels like a family. But Uncle He seldom returns home. Among the He family, he was the last person I saw. It's just that from the first time I saw Uncle He, I felt that Uncle He always had a faint sadness on his face.

After being a neighbor for a long time, I gradually learned about Uncle He's life experience. It was a harrowing experience for a bystander. Uncle He graduated from Peking University in the 1930s, majoring in geology, and was once a student of Li Siguang. Later became a geological engineer. Because of the construction of the Three Gorges, he was specially invited to work in Wuhan as a senior talent. I have seen photos of Uncle He when he was young. He was handsome and handsome, with a somewhat arrogant face, which was very different in temperament from the Uncle He I met later. Around the end of the 1950s, brutal political movements caused Uncle He to fall from the peak of his life to the bottom. No one has figured out what caused him to be like this. He was sent to the field survey team, where he cooked and cooked in the kitchen until he retired.

After retirement, Uncle He was taciturn. For a long time, he was polite to everyone, nodding and bowing. Even if we children met, he would hurriedly give way. No matter what others say, he will gently agree, as if it has become a habit. When I became an adult, when I thought of what Uncle He looked like back then, I felt that the word "reform" was really scary. Because of Mother He's poor health, Uncle He undertook all the housework, cooking, shopping, and taking out the garbage. He could do everything. Apart from his gentle and elegant speech, it is hard to imagine that he was a graduate of the most famous university in China, and it is even more difficult to imagine that he was a senior engineer with considerable achievements.

But the more tragic things did not end there. Mother He died of illness not long after Uncle He retired. The second elder brother of the He family, who went to Xinjiang because of Uncle He's problems, also died of illness. For the death of the second brother, Uncle He cried very sadly, because the second brother was a very outstanding son of the He family. He is handsome, versatile, and good at studying, but because of Uncle He's problems, he failed to go to university and went to Xinjiang in a fit of anger. When Uncle He was crying, he must have blamed himself for his son's early death. This may be the most painful of Uncle He's life.

From then on, Uncle He lived with his youngest son He Chengzhi, helping him with housework and taking care of the children. I don't know when, Uncle He started to write a book, it must be the academic treatise he wanted to write back then. After finishing the housework every day, he lay down at the desk and wrote non-stop, and sometimes went to a distant library to search for information. Day after day, year after year, under extremely difficult conditions, Uncle He still insisted on reading non-stop, which is really exhausting. One day, Uncle He finally finished the book, but...but...which publishing house publishes such a book?

Uncle He was finally admitted to the hospital due to illness. At that time, I had already moved, so it was difficult to meet Uncle He once. During the hospitalization, Uncle He wanted to see me very much, so He Chengzhi called me specially. So, I hurried to the hospital. Uncle He was in good spirits that day, but he could no longer speak. Seeing me, he showed a little smile on his face, but after a while, he returned to his previous sad expression, which is the expression I have been familiar with for many years. That expression was unforgettable, and it made me keep asking myself: What causes a talented intellectual's life to be filled with pain and sorrow? What's so great about it that a person has to pay his whole life as the price?

The book written by Uncle He with his painstaking efforts is as sad as Uncle He's fate: it lies silently in a corner, and I am afraid it will never be published.

Nan Yangsheng read the diary written by the writer Fang Fang on his mobile phone, "Why is your face full of sadness?" ". He stood up slowly, he thought: The story of the grandfather He Jiafu and the old Chinese doctor Chai Jianhua should be able to write a book, but is such a book a fictional novel or an exaggerated biography? Which publishing house dares to publish such a book?

Some encounters between people are like shooting stars, bursting out enviable sparks in an instant, but they are destined to just pass by in a hurry. Time will slowly settle down, and some people will slowly blur in your heart. The story of two old people, grandfather He Jiafu and old Chinese doctor Chai Jianhua, will only be in other people's stories forever, shedding my own tears.

At this time, Nanyang Sheng suddenly became two people. The former had hope for the future and believed that his own hard work would change his destiny; All people live at the feet of their masters like slaves, and any dissatisfaction and resistance will be punished with whips. The most desolate distance in the world is when one person becomes two people in an instant. The distance before and after life is actually very different. The former and the latter hardly know each other. Society will change, and people's hearts will also change.

The current Nanyang students are obviously not the former Nanyang students. His thinking has undergone fission, and his cognition of life and society has also undergone fission.

He was inexplicably lost, and he couldn't explain why, but waves of fear kept surging in his heart. He is afraid that he will grow old soon like his grandfather He Jiafu and old Chinese doctor Chai Jianhua. He is afraid that no one in this world will love him, and he is also afraid that he will not fall in love with anyone. But he is constantly looking for that true love, and constantly perfecting himself. I am afraid that those close friends around me will leave one by one. He is afraid that the person he loves will not appear, and the person who appears will not like it. Especially when he communicated with his younger sister Nanliwa and younger brother Nanshanyun, he found that the different views on society between brothers and sisters would change each other's attachment to family affection. Helpless, but he couldn't pretend to be indifferent. The more he was like this, the more uncomfortable he felt.

Everyone is used to the feeling of being loved in life, but in the noisy and complicated society, you and I are passers-by. If you stop, when everyone disappears, the only thing you can see may be your own. Shadow, staring at my own shadow, that shadow will change, but it will also go away, and it will also be lost...

醒悟（110）

 

110

 

南阳生陪着外公何家福去看望老中医柴健华。这两位老人又见面了，共同的经历和坎坷遭遇，让他们无话不谈。

南阳生为了不打扰他们的谈话，独自去了屋外的院子里。他重新打开了手机，搜索作家方方写的另一篇日记。那篇日记的标题是『善良一生难道就会真有善报？』。

作家方方在日记中写道：

花伯伯家同我家是世交。这个交情一直得追溯到我母亲上中学的时候。花伯伯的妻子静湘阿姨是我母亲二姐的同学。当我母亲去九江一所教会学校读书时，母亲的二姐便将我母亲托付给了静湘阿姨。这大约是六十年前的事情。自此后，我母亲同静湘阿姨的友谊一直延续着，直到母亲去世。因为静湘阿姨的缘故，多少年来，花家对于我家来说，就如同一门亲戚。

在我见过的人中，再也没有比花伯伯脾气更好的了。我几乎从来就没有见他生过气。他哪怕跟最不讲道理的人或最顽劣的小孩说话也都是笑意满面，轻言细语。尤其对小孩，不论哪家的，在花伯伯眼里，都是自己的孩子，他在他们中间，脸上总会由衷地露出欢喜之情，然后从口袋里摸出一把糖来。记得六十年代末，花伯伯带我上街，我难得一次出门，出去了便满街乱窜，花伯伯便跟在我后面在人群里跑来跑去，不阻止我也不批评我，仿佛随了我的意也是他最大的乐趣。这件事给了我极深的印象，当时甚至想到要是大人都像花伯伯这样多好呵。花伯伯对小孩的热爱，不分任何等级，也没有任何止境。或许是因为花伯伯是天主教徒的缘故。

花伯伯曾经在日本学医，回国后就当了医生。抗战期间，我父母在昆明时，花家也在那里，花伯伯开了一家诊所。常常有些穷苦的病人看病没钱，花伯伯便不收费。这且不说，他还经常把自己口袋里的钱拿出来让病人拿去买药。我母亲常说，花伯伯这个人心肠最好了。

我家和花家有着不解的缘分。我父母离开昆明后，几经周折，搬到了南京，而花家竟也在南京；然后，我父亲又因工作调动到武汉，此时的花家也在我家之前先迁来了武汉。两家大人坐在一起时，就常常奇怪，说是职业又不相同，事先也没约好，怎么一走就走到了一起，竟一连走了三座城市，不晓得是什么缘故。在武汉几十年中，花家几乎是我家唯一可以走动的亲戚。

但在一九五七年，善良的好脾气的花伯伯竟被打成了右派，从此花家便生活在阴影之中。花伯伯被打成右派的原因，似是因为花伯伯喜欢写一些普及卫生常识的小文章。如果说这一类的小文章也能对国家造成伤害，真正是让当今人笑掉大牙。然而花伯伯却因了它们断送了自己的一生：他再也没有当医生的资格了。他的生活内容只剩下了“改造”。“改造”这两个字，对于中国知识分子，有着一言难尽的内涵。在这支庞大的“改造”大军里，花伯伯同大家一样，只能低头认罪，唯命是从。

六十年代末，花伯伯被安排在医院里负责挂号。虽然这样的事不应该由花伯伯这样的人来做，但被“改造”过的花伯伯竟也没有半句怨言。他带着他永远的笑容和谦和，很敬业很认真地做这份简单得不必有任何医学知识即可以做的工作，认真得让你觉得这个人怎么就这么天真呢？等到七十年代，花伯伯终于等来了平反的一天，但他却已经老了。而且很快就得了病。所有他应该得到的东西比方房子，都因了这“老”而不再有他的一份。老而病弱的花伯伯在床上躺了七年，一家人就始终住在两间很小很小的房子里，用着公共的厨房和厕所，很痛苦也很无奈。

我最后一次见到花伯伯时，他已经不能开口说话了。那是在我一次出差的前夕。正是那天，我离开后几分钟，花伯伯便离世而去。当我出差回来再去花家时，便只看到了花伯伯的一份遗嘱。遗嘱上写着要把自己的尸体给医院留作解剖用，还写着他的丧葬费和抚恤金不必发了，请用那些钱买些糖果给幼儿园的小孩子们吃。读着那份遗嘱，我心里有些难过，也有些茫然，我想象花伯伯这样的人，他对他生活的这个世界是怀着怎样的一副慈悲情怀呢？为什么生活对他那样恶，他却永远以善来回敬生活？

中国有句老话，叫作“善有善报”。我曾经对这句话深怀敬意。然而，当我看到了花伯伯的善良一生却又坎坷一生的经历，便觉得生活给我们的感受和书本给我们的道理，相距十分遥远，甚至想，人一生总是善良是不是就对了？

南阳生在手机上，又看了作家方方写的另一篇日记『为什么你的脸上满是忧伤？』。

方方在日记中写道：

1966年，我父亲的单位贴出了一张告示，公布了一批必须退出“富余”住房者的名单。我父亲的名字也在其中。其实那时我家住房连厨房带卫生间也不足80平米，一家男女居住并不宽敞，但告示已出，想不退房也不行。所以，只好退了。退房后，何伯伯一家就搬到了我们隔壁，与我家门挨着门，共享厨房和厕所，就像现在的团结户一样。　　

刚搬来时，何伯伯并不在家，只有何妈妈和他家的小儿子何承志住在这里。因为都在同一单位，所以我们很快就知道：何伯伯是勘测处的现行反革命加历史反革命分子，已下派到外业队。记得乍听这消息时，我大大地吃了一惊。

何家有六个儿女，其中两个在新疆，另外三个也都没住在家。何妈妈是个很风趣的人，喜欢读书，又很会烧菜，两家人虽然一起共享厨房厕所，却相处得非常好。他们家儿女回来没有地方住时，便到我家来挤；而我母亲有时外出就让我在何家吃饭。真有一种亲如一家的味道。但何伯伯却是很少很少回家。何家人中，我最后见到的人就是他。只是从我第一次见到何伯伯起，就觉得何伯伯脸上始终有一种淡淡的哀容。

邻居做久了，我渐渐地了解到何伯伯一生的经历。这是很让一个旁观者觉得惨痛不已的经历。何伯伯二十世纪三十年代毕业于北京大学，学的是地质，曾经做过李四光的学生。后来成为地质工程师。因要修建三峡，被作为高级人才专程请来武汉工作。我见过何伯伯年轻时的照片，英俊潇洒，并且脸上颇有几分傲气，与我后来认识的何伯伯在气质上有着天壤之别。大约在五十年代末，残酷的政治运动，使何伯伯从他一生的高峰一直跌到低谷，谁也没有弄清他到底是被什么原因弄成这样。他被下放到外业勘测队，从此便在那里的伙房里烧火做饭，一直到他退休。

退休后的何伯伯，沉默寡言，在很长的时间里，见什么人都客客气气，点头哈腰，就连我们这些小孩子，倘若相遇，他也是忙不迭地让路。无论旁人说什么，他都会温和地附和，仿佛已成习惯。在我成人后，一想起当年何伯伯的样子，就觉得“改造”这两个字实在是可怕。因为何妈妈身体不好，何伯伯承担了所有的家务事情，煮饭买菜倒垃圾，他什么事都会做。除了他温文尔雅的说话外，你从其他方面很难想象得到他当年曾经是中国最著名学府的毕业生，更难想到他曾是一个颇有建树的高级工程师。

但更惨痛的事情并没有结束。何妈妈在何伯伯退休没多久便一病而去。因了何伯伯的问题而负气去了新疆的何家二哥也接着病逝。为二哥的死，何伯伯哭得非常伤心，因为二哥是何家非常出色的一个儿子。他长得很帅，多才多艺，学习又好，却因了何伯伯的问题，他没能上成大学，一气之下去了新疆。哭泣时的何伯伯一定是把儿子的早逝归咎到自己的身上。这或许是何伯伯一生伤痛中之最痛。

以后，何伯伯就同小儿子何承志住在一起，帮他做家务和带孩子。不知什么时候起，何伯伯开始写书，那一定是他当年就想要写的学术论着。他每天在做完家务之后，便趴在桌前不停地写呀写的，有时还跑到远远的图书馆查找资料。一天又一天，一年又一年，在极其艰难的条件下，何伯伯仍然坚持着书不停，真所谓耗尽心血。有一天，何伯伯终于把书写完，可是……可是……又有哪家出版社会出版这样一本书呢？

何伯伯终于因病住进了医院。那时我已搬家，很难同何伯伯见一次面。住院期间，何伯伯很想见我，何承志便专门给我打了个电话。于是，我急急忙忙地赶去医院。那天何伯伯精神很好，但他已经不能说什么话了。见到我，他的脸上露出一点点笑容，但只一会儿，便又回到他以前满是忧伤的表情，这是在很多年里我所熟悉的表情。那副表情令人难以忘怀，也令我不停地自问：是什么原因使一个有才华的知识分子一生充满痛苦和悲伤呢？究竟有什么了不得的事情，非要让一个人付出他一生的生命来作为代价呢？

何伯伯用心血写成的那本书，像何伯伯的命运一样悲哀：它无声无息地躺在某个角落里，恐怕永无出版之日。

南阳生在手机上看了作家方方写的日记『为什么你的脸上满是忧伤？』。他慢慢地站了起来，他想：外公何家福和老中医柴健华俩位老人的故事，应该能写一部书，但这样的书究竟是虚构的小说，还是夸大的人物传记？又有哪一家出版社敢于出版这样的书？

有的人与人之间的相遇就像是流星，瞬间迸发出令人羡慕的火花，却注定只是匆匆而过。时间会慢慢沉淀，有些人会在你心底慢慢模糊。外公何家福和老中医柴健华俩位老人的故事，只会永远在别人的故事里，流着自己的泪。

此时的南阳生突然变成了两个人，前者对未来抱有希望，相信靠自己的努力拚搏，会改变命运；后者对未来感觉虚幻，个人在社会群体中不可能有什么自由和独立，所有的人好像奴仆一样生活在主人的脚下，任何不满和反抗都会受到鞭子的惩罚。世界上最凄绝的距离，就是一个人瞬间变成了两个人，人生的前后距离居然相差很远，前者与后者几乎互不相识，社会会变，人心也会变。

现在的南阳生显然已经不是以前的南阳生了。他的思想发生了裂变，他对人生和社会的认知也发生了裂变。

莫名的失落，说不清为什么，只是在他的心里不停涌起一阵阵的怕。他怕看到自己会象外公何家福和老中医柴健华那样很快就老去，他怕这个世界上没有人会爱自己，也怕自己不会爱上谁。可他又在不停地找那一份真爱，不停地完美自己。怕身边那些交心的朋友们，一个一个离开。怕他爱的人不出现，出现的人又不喜欢。特别是当他与自己的妹妹南丽娃和弟弟南山云交流后，他发现兄妹之间对社会的不同看法，会改变彼此对亲情的执着，他能感觉到自己的心痛，有说不出的无奈，但是他又无法装出一副无所谓的样子，如果越是这样，心里就越难受。

人生都习惯被爱的感觉，但在喧哗复杂的社会中，你我都是擦肩而过的过客，如果停住脚步，当所有的人都消失时，你唯一能看到的可能只是自己的影子，凝望着自己的影子，那影子会变幻，但也会远去，也会失落……

Wake up（109）

 

109

 

The pneumonia epidemic in Wuhan is severe, and the main theme of the official media's political propaganda is two maintenances: maintaining the core position of the cloud bureaucrats, and maintaining the authority, centralization, and unity of the core. In fact, it is to maintain the situation of "stability over everything else" and to strengthen the unlimited functions of the dictatorship of bureaucrats. On February 23, after the dignitaries delivered the "important speech", the provinces immediately made a statement of "political stance", and the whole party and the country formed a wave of propaganda about "personally commanding and personally deploying".

However, the strength of personality is irresistible. There are always some people who will stand up and express different voices.

Nan Yangsheng turned on his phone and searched for the diary written by the writer Fang Fang. He saw the diary entry "The power of personality is irresistible".

Writer Fang Fang wrote in his diary:

My father’s unit is called the Yangtze River Basin Planning Office, or “Chang’s Office” for short. My father often said that it was the largest office in the world, with thousands of employees working under it. The "Changban" is dedicated to governing the Yangtze River. They designed the Gezhouba Project, the Three Gorges Project, and many hydropower stations on the Yangtze River. The director of the "Long Office" is Lin Yishan. He is a very high-level leader. When we were young, we heard that in Hubei, only Wang Renzhong, then Secretary of the Provincial Party Committee, could compare with him. And I heard that both Premier Zhou and Chairman Mao admired him very much. It was rumored that Chairman Mao once said that he did not want to be the chairman and wanted to go to build the Three Gorges with him. Of course, this was a joke made by the big leader to his subordinates, but because of such interesting incidents, Lin Yishan became quite legendary in the whole "long office".

After the Cultural Revolution began, it was natural for Lin Yishan to be impacted. I remember that "Down with 013!" was written in ink everywhere on the red wall in the courtyard of our dormitory. I didn't know what these numbers meant at first, but after my brother pointed it out, I suddenly understood: 013 is Lin Yishan. The younger brother also told me that Lin Yishan had been injured in one hand, and the big-character poster said that he was injured because he was a traitor. I was taken aback by this information, and I felt extremely wronged when I thought that my father was working under a leader who had been a traitor. At that time, I was a fourth-grade elementary school student with a strong sense of love and hate, but I didn't know right and wrong.

"Changban" has a club called the Yangtze River Club, with a green glazed tile roof and a milky yellow exterior wall. It is very beautiful and elegant, and it is a place we like to go to very much. All the celebrations of the "Changban" were held there, and of course, all the criticism meetings during the "Cultural Revolution" were also held there. One day in 1966, the Yangtze River Club held a meeting to criticize Lin Yishan. Although the rumor that Lin Yishan is a traitor is widely spread, he always has a sense of mystery in our children's hearts, and our desire to see what he looks like is very strong. So a few of my companions and I decided to watch this critique meeting.

The gatekeepers of the Yangtze River Club didn't keep us under strict supervision because we were the children of employees. We easily mingled with the adults to watch the meeting. For people of our age, this kind of meeting is naturally not interesting, and Lin Yishan is sitting in the first row of the audience, we can't see him at all. We looked forward and back and forth, and it was easy to look forward to the break. The adults went out to breathe, but Lin Yishan was still sitting there.

We ran to him and saw that he was recording something in a small notebook. His hand was indeed injured.

I squeezed forward and asked, "Did your hand get hurt when you were a traitor?"

Lin Shan raised his head and said seriously: "No, I was injured during the war with the Japanese."

I said, "You lied."

Lin Yishan said: "I never lie!"

Before I had time to ask the next question, I was pushed aside by other children.

When I got home, I told my father. My father was full of emotion, saying that Lin Yishan is a hard-headed person, he is not like other leaders who admit mistakes from beginning to end for expediency. He was always tough, he always stood his ground, he never admitted that he was running the bourgeois line. Father didn't like Lin Yishan in the past, but during the Cultural Revolution he showed great admiration for Lin Yishan's arrogance. Because like Lin Yishan, no matter how much you criticize me, I will stick to my own point of view, which weak intellectuals like my father want to do but dare not.

Later we heard that Lin Yishan was imprisoned in the basement of the building—that dark, damp place where the sun never shines. Later we heard that Lin Yishan, who was imprisoned, asked the guards to beg some sand, and then used the cement abandoned in the basement and the dark water flowing in it to build a small dam by handfuls. I don't know how this incident got out, but it is enough to make everyone who has heard of it extremely moved: touched by a person's unyielding will, moved by a person's unyielding spirit, touched by a person The pursuit of never giving up is moved, and even more so is the personality of a person who will always stand upright.

Later, my father passed away, and I also left the dormitory compound of the "Changban". But whenever I think about the past when I was a teenager, I always think of the scene where I stood in front of the first row of seats in the Yangtze River Club and questioned Lin Yishan, and I remembered Lin Yishan's serious answer. Although I have never seen Lin Yishan again since then, his spirit and personality have always been an irresistible force, quietly affecting my worldview and my life.

Nan Yangsheng carefully read the diary written by the writer Fang Fang. After reading the diary entry "Irresistible Power of Personality", he shed tears.

Chai Jianhua, an old Chinese doctor, once told him: Chai Jianhua and his grandfather He Jiafu were captured and served as soldiers when the Kuomintang recruited young men. A leg was knocked off by Little Japan, and Chai Jianhua was also injured. They should be anti-Japanese heroes. But during the civil war, they fled the national army and opposed the Chinese beating the Chinese. This should also be regarded as a patriotic act of opposing and protesting the Kuomintang. However, various political movements after the founding of the People's Republic have classified them as alternatives, and they may even be spies placed by the Kuomintang on the mainland. In desperation, Chai Jianhua and He Jiafu could only wander around and conceal that period of history. What life and society give them is nothing but loss.

Nan Yangsheng turned off the phone. He accompanied his grandfather He Jiafu to visit the old Chinese doctor Chai Jianhua. He suddenly felt that the strength of personality of these two old men was irresistible.

Grandpa He Jiafu had a leg knocked off by a Japanese devil when he was young. No woman would marry a poor and disabled man. On the contrary, the grandfather adopted the three poor children of Nanyangsheng brother and sister in the rough life. Veteran Chinese medicine practitioner Chai Jianhua was not overwhelmed by political campaigns, but used his knowledge of Chinese medicine to cure diseases and save people, and to bless the people.

醒悟（109）

 

109

 

武汉肺炎疫情严峻，官媒政治宣传的主调则是两个维护：维护云端权要的核心地位，维护核心的权威和集中、统一。其实是维护“稳定压倒一切”的态势，强化权要专政的无限职能。2月23日，权要发表“重要讲话”后，各省立即作了“政治站位”的表态，全党全国形成了关于“亲自指挥、亲自部署”的宣传浪潮。

但是，人格的力量无法抗拒。总有一些人会站出来发表不同的声音。

南阳生打开手机，搜索作家方方写的日记。他看到了『人格的力量无法抗拒』那篇日记。

作家方方在日记中写道：

我父亲所在单位叫长江流域规划办公室，简称叫“长办”。父亲常说它是全世界最大的一个办公室，它下面的职工有好几千人。“长办”是专门治理长江的。葛洲坝工程、三峡工程以及长江上许多水电站，都是他们设计的。“长办”的主任叫林一山。他是个级别很高的领导，我们小时候听说在湖北只有当时的省委书记王任重可以同他一比。而且还听说周总理和毛主席都特别欣赏他。一度传言毛主席曾表示不想干主席，想要跟他一起去修三峡。这当然是大领导对属下的一句玩笑话，可林一山却因了这样一些趣事，在整个“长办”都颇有传奇色彩。

文革开始后，林一山受到冲击是自然的。记得那时我们宿舍院子里的红墙上到处都用墨汁写着“打倒〇一三！”，我起先不知道这些数字是什么意思，经我小哥指点，方恍然：〇一三就是林一山。小哥还告诉我说，林一山有一只手受过伤，大字报说是他因当叛徒而受伤的。这个信息令我吃了一惊，于是想到爸爸竟在一个当过叛徒的领导底下做事，真是有着万分的委屈。那时我是一个四年级的小学生，有强烈的爱憎感，但却不懂得对与错。

“长办”有一个俱乐部叫长江俱乐部，绿色琉璃瓦屋顶，乳黄色的外墙，很漂亮很典雅，是我们很喜欢去的地方。“长办”所有的庆典都在那里举行，理所当然，“文革”中所有批判大会也都在那里召开。1966年的一天，长江俱乐部开会批判林一山。虽然林一山是叛徒的说法流传很广，但他在我们小孩子的心里始终有一种神秘感，我们想看看他到底是个什么样子的欲望很是强烈。于是我和几个同伴决定去看这场批判会。

长江俱乐部的看门人因我们是职工的孩子故而对我们并不严加看管。我们很轻易地混在大人堆里看开会。对于我们这个年龄的人来说，这种会议自然毫无趣味，而且林一山坐在台下的第一排位子上，我们根本就看不见他。我们盼来盼去，才好容易盼到了休场。大人们纷然出去透气，林一山却仍然坐在那里。

我们跑到他的跟前，看见他正在一个小本上记录着什么。他的手果然是受过伤的。

我挤上前去问：“你的手是当叛徒时受伤的吗？”

林山抬起头，严肃地说：“不是，我是跟日本人打仗时受的伤。”

我说：“你骗人。”

林一山说：“我从来都不骗人！”

我没来得及问后面的话，便被其他孩子挤到了一边。

回家后，我告诉父亲。父亲感叹万千，说林一山这个人是个硬骨头，他不像别的领导人那样为权宜之计从头到尾都认错。他始终很强硬，始终坚持自己的观点，他从不承认他在执行资产阶级路线。父亲过去并不喜欢林一山这个人，可在文革中他却对林一山的傲骨表示了极大的钦佩。因为像林一山那样不管你怎么批我斗我都坚持自己观点的做派，是父亲这类软弱的知识分子们想做而不敢的。

后来我们就听说林一山被关进了大楼的地下室——那个阴暗潮湿不见天日的地方。再后来我们又听说被囚的林一山竟找看守讨得一些沙子，然后利用遗弃在地下室的水泥和那里面长流不断的阴水，捧一捧地筑起了一条小小的挡水坝。这件事是怎么传出来的，我并不清楚，但它足以让所有听说过的人都产生万分的感动：为一个人不垮的意志感动，为一个人不屈的精神感动，为一个人永不放弃的追求感动，更为一个人永远挺立的人格感动。

以后，父亲去世了，我也离开了“长办”的宿舍大院。可每当我想起少年往事时，总会想起在长江俱乐部的我站在第一排座位前质问林一山的情景，想起林一山认真的对答。虽然从那以后，我再也没有见到过林一山，但他的精神他的人格却一直是一种不可抗拒的力量，悄然地影响着我的世界观和我的生活。

南阳生认真地看著作家方方写的日记。他看完『人格的力量无法抗拒』那篇日记后，流泪了。

老中医柴健华曾经告诉他：柴健华和外公何家福曾被国民党抽壮丁时抓去当了兵，但在国军爱国主义和民族精神的洗上，他俩与日本鬼子面对面地进行了一次搏斗，结果何家福被小日本打掉了一条腿，柴健华也负了伤。他们应该是抗日的英雄。但在内战时，他们逃离了国军，反对中国人打中国人，这也应该算是反对和抗议国民党的爱国行为吧。但是，人民共和国成立后的各种政治运动，都将他们划为另类，甚至可能是国民党安插在大陆的特务。柴健华和何家福在无望中只能到处流浪和隐瞒那段历史。生活和社会给他们的除了失落，还是失落。

南阳生关闭了手机。他陪着外公何家福去看望老中医柴健华。他突然觉得这两位老人的人格力量无法抗拒。

外公何家福年轻时被日本鬼子打掉了一条腿，没有哪个女人会嫁给又贫穷又残疾的男人。外公反而在坎坷的人生中收养了南阳生兄妹三个苦孩子。老中医柴健华也没有被政治运动所压垮，而是通过自己的中医学知识，治病救人，赐福济民。

Wake up（108）

 

108

 

Nan Yangsheng chatted with his younger sister Nan Liwa and younger brother Nanshan Yun, and the three brothers and sisters were rarely together. But during the chat, Nan Shanyun talked about how his grandfather fell ill after being bullied by the city management. Nan Shanyun talked about the diary written by the writer Fang Fang "What should a person do if he loses his dignity?" 』The story of Uncle Xu and Uncle Xu. My younger brother vowed to take revenge on these urban management officers and not allow the villains to bully us. My younger brother even admired and affirmed the violent revolution of the Cultural Revolution. He is only 18 years old and has not finished high school. What should he do?

Nan Yangsheng was very worried about what trouble his younger brother would cause in the future.

Nan Yangsheng began to reflect on the Cultural Revolution and the impact of COVID-19 on today's society.

China has always been the "Slogan Era". When the 2019 coronavirus disease in Wuhan was raging until now, the most popular slogans in Beijing's party media were "Personally Command" and "Two Maintenances"; this is the "Mythological Era". "even posted an article saying: "The child was born less than 20 days ago, but he voluntarily applied to join the front line of the fight against the epidemic." Loud slogans and absurd "myths" reflect the yellow land where 1.4 billion people live, and return to Mao Zedong's quotations from the Cultural Revolution Tide and "myth" in it.

People seemed to hear Lin Biao's voice again in the tunnel of history: "Chairman Mao's words are the truth, and every sentence is worth ten thousand." It's not the Cultural Revolution, but it's like the Cultural Revolution.

The pneumonia epidemic in Wuhan is severe, and the main theme of the Beijing authorities' political propaganda is two safeguards: safeguarding power, cloud power is at the core of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China and the entire party. Maintain core authority, centralization, and unity.

When Nan Yangsheng was studying at the Central Plains Humanities College, the school’s education explained the two safeguards: one is to maintain the core position, authority, and centralization of bureaucrats; the other is to maintain the situation of “stability over everything else” and strengthen the functions of dictatorship.

On February 23, the authority delivered an "important speech", and the provinces immediately expressed their "political positions", forming a wave of propaganda about "personally commanding and personally deploying".

The secretary of the Shanxi Provincial Party Committee of the Communist Party of China from Zhejiang declared on the same day that he "resolutely implement the spirit of... the important speech", that "the important instruction... is wise and correct", and that he must "interpret the two safeguards with actions". He said, "Personally command and personally deploy...lead the whole party and the whole country" and "fight the people's war, the general war, and the blocking war" for the prevention and control of the epidemic; There are battles to be won and hurdles that cannot be overcome." The Secretary of the Guangdong Provincial Party Committee with "Shanghai Experience" said at the meeting that "the spirit of important speeches and important instructions...has a strong ideological, guiding, and targeted"; emphasizing that "learning to struggle ", "Strengthen the four self-confidences, and ensure that the two maintenances fall into specific actions." The secretary of the Xinjiang District Party Committee conveyed the "important speech spirit", saying that it "pointed out the direction of progress, made scientific guidance, and provided important guidelines. Added a strong power", must do two maintenance. Just transferred to Wuhan Municipal Party Committee Secretary and former veteran cadre of Shandong political and legal system, said that the "important speech" is "scientific judgment, deep love like the sea, and high hopes like a mountain", and must "effectively improve the political position" and "achieve two important standards for maintenance. "

Nan Yangsheng and many intellectuals have already felt that the "redness" of comparing adjectives and showing loyalty is a very hot scene in the raging Wuhan pneumonia.

Shen Zhirui, a professor of psychology at the Central Plains College of Humanities, once told Nanyang Sheng privately: Under the "one-party leadership" system, a centralized "strongman" is needed to face the plague and implement strict social control to avoid "civil upheavals." ". For example, during the reign of Chongzhen in the late Ming Dynasty, there was a severe famine in Shaanxi and other places. Many peasants fled the famine and starved to death. Li Zicheng led the peasant army to rebel in Henan, Shaanxi, Shanxi and other places, and went straight to Beijing. Emperor Chongzhen was forced to hang himself in Meishan.

Regarding the establishment of "authority" and the centralization of power, one of Beijing's official explanations is to "concentrate power to accomplish big things." The "Supreme Instructions" regarding Wuhan Pneumonia were issued and made public on January 20, highlighting that those who "personally command" have the full power to mobilize the centralization of the party, government and military. Soon there will be "Wuhan One, Two, Three Closures", and then It is a "wartime state" and closed monitoring of small communities.

With one order, there is no need to take into account legal norms and related procedures, such as the Emergency Response Law; even locking the doors of residents in small communities and ignoring fire safety, there is no resistance. This is the "China's speed, China's scale, and China's efficiency" praised by the first party newspaper. In a society ruled by law and freedom, with a civil society that includes independent media, it is impossible for governance or emergency measures to only focus on "political needs" and ignore them. Law, procedure, humanity.

The power is infinite and concentrated in one person, forming a patriarchal system of "one hammer and one decision", which can indeed make decisions quickly and accomplish great things. However, big things are not necessarily good things.

In the Mao era, Lao Mao had great power and could do whatever he wanted, including "dreams" that violated common sense and science. For example, from 1958 to 1960, the People's Commune and the Great Leap Forward Movement were launched to fabricate rice "high-yield satellites". False harvests, excessive food requisitions, and corruption and waste by rural cadres led to a major famine. More than 30 million starved to death, most of whom were farmers and their families.

During the 10 years of the Cultural Revolution, the people were also tossed about by the left. The "myth" that caters to the cult of personality fools the public. Chen Yun, a former vice chairman of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China, said: "At that time, when we held a meeting, we had to turn over the quotations, and we had to shout 'Longevity Without Borders' three times. Ask for instructions early and report later, and read the quotations before calling. "

After the outbreak of pneumonia in Wuhan, Beijing, Hubei and other places supported the main theme of political propaganda, "Goethe". However, there are also "awakened ones" in the plague, calling for not to forget the tragedy of the left torment, and to tell the truth. Dr. Li Wenliang, known as the "whistleblower", spoke his "inner words": "A healthy society should not have only one voice...the truth is the most important thing."

The novelist Yan Lianke started from the lies of the Great Leap Forward to "now": "The gongs and drums of singing praises and celebrating have begun." He said: "Among the ocean-like singing, in the face of the root and spread of the new crown pneumonia, if we can't speak out our doubts, but whispering in a low voice is also conscience and courage."

Fang Fang, a well-known Wuhan writer, published an article on WeChat a few days ago, saying: "The test of a country's civilization has never been based on how tall your buildings are, how fast your cars are, or how powerful your weapons are or how mighty your army is... to test your There is only one thing: your attitude towards vulnerable people."

These alternative voices will soon be "silenced" under the "bright sword" of the Internet police. WeChat groups around the world are being blocked, and even the "everyone" under the big platform Tencent is also silent in the blocking.

Awakened from the plague, to speak the truth. This is the inner voice of Nan Yangsheng in his reflection, but this voice can only be buried or even buried in his heart.

Nan Yangsheng has lost himself, but he is also looking for himself. He doesn't know what to do next.

醒悟（108）

 

108

 

南阳生和妹妹南丽娃、弟弟南山云一起聊天，兄妹三人难得在一起。但闲聊中，南山云谈到了外公被城管欺侮后回家就病倒的事。南山云又说起了作家方方写的日记『一个人失去了尊严怎么办？』中许叔叔和许伯伯的故事。弟弟发誓要报复这些城管，不能任由恶棍欺侮我们。弟弟甚至欣赏和肯定文革的暴力革命，他才18岁，又没读完高中，怎么办？

南阳生非常担心弟弟将来会惹下什么祸。

南阳生开始反思文革，也反思COVID-19对当今社会的冲击。

中国一直是“口号时代”，在武汉2019冠状病毒疾病肆虐至今的时候，北京党媒最热的口号是“亲自指挥”和“两个维护”；这是“神话时代”，官媒《华商汉中》甚至发文说：“孩子出生不到20天，他却主动申请投入抗疫一线。”响亮的口号、荒谬的“神话”，折射14亿人居住的黄土地，又回到了老毛文革的语录潮和“神话”中了。

人们彷佛在历史隧道中又听到了林彪的声音：“毛主席的话，句句是真理，一句顶万句”；熟悉历史的人，或许都会有这种感觉：到处阿谀奉承，大树特树，不是文革也像文革了。

武汉肺炎疫情严峻，北京当局的政治宣传主调是两维护：维护权力，云端权要在中共中央和全党的核心地位。维护核心的权威和集中、统一。

南阳生在中原人文学院学习时，院方教育对两维护的解说：一是维护权要的核心地位、权威和集中统一；二是维护“稳定压倒一切”的态势，强化专政的职能。

2月23日，权要发表“重要讲话”，各省即有“政治站位”的表态，形成关于“亲自指挥、亲自部署”的宣传浪潮。

来自浙江的中共山西省委书记，当日声言“坚决贯彻……重要讲话精神”，“重要指示……是英明正确的”，必须“用行动诠释两个维护”。他说，“亲自指挥、亲自部署……带领全党全军全国”，“打好疫情防控人民战争、总体战、阻击战”；他强调，有“领航掌舵，统帅指挥，就没有打不赢的仗、过不去的坎。”有“上海经验”的广东省委书记，在会议上称“重要讲话和重要指示精神……具有很强的思想性、指导性、针对性”；强调“学会斗争”、“坚定四个自信、做到两个维护落到具体行动上。”新疆区委书记在传达“重要讲话精神”，指它“指明了前进方向，作出了科学指导，提供了重要遵循，增添了强大动力”，必须做到两维护。刚调任武汉市委书记、原山东政法系统老干部，称“重要讲话”是“科学判断、情深似海、厚望如山”，必须“切实提高政治站位”，“做到两个维护的重要标尺。”

南阳生和许多知识分子已经感觉到攀比形容词和表忠的“红色度”，是武汉肺炎肆虐中很热的场景。

南阳生就读中原人文学院时的心理学教授沈志睿曾私下对他说： 在“一党领导”体制下，面对瘟疫需要一个集权式的“强人”，实施严密的社会管控，以免有“民变”。例如，明末崇祯年间，陕西等地大灾荒，许多农民逃荒、饿死，李自成率农民军在河南、陕西、山西等地造反，直打入北京城，崇祯皇帝被迫在煤山自缢。

对于树立“权威”和集权，北京官方的一个解释，是为了“集中力量办大事”。关于武汉肺炎的“最高指示”，于1月20日下达、公开后，突显“亲自指挥”者具有党政军集权的全面动员力，很快就有“武汉一二三封城”，接下去是“战时状态”和小小区封闭监控。

一声令下，不必顾及法律的规范和相关的程序，例如突发事件应对法；甚至把小小区居民的屋门上锁，不理会消防安全，也没有什么阻力。这就是第一党报所赞叹的“中国速度，中国规模，中国效率。”在一个法治、自由的社会，有包含独立媒体的民间社会，施政或应急举措是不可能只管“政治需要”，而漠视法律、程序、人道。

权力无穷大且集中于一人，形成“一锤定音、定于一尊”的家长制一言堂，确实可以决策迅速、办成大事。但是，大事未必好事。

在毛时代，老毛的权力很大，可以做任何想做的事，包括违反常识、科学的“梦幻”。例如，1958-1960发起人民公社和大跃进运动，编造水稻“丰产卫星”，每亩产量只有二、三百斤，却吹成数千、数万乃至17万斤。虚假的丰产、征粮的过量、农村干部的贪污和浪费，导致大饥荒，饿死者超过3000万，其中大都是农民及其家属。

文革10年，民众亦备受左折腾。迎合个人崇拜的“神话”愚弄民众，曾任中共中央副主席的陈云说：“那时候开会就是翻语录本，‘万寿无疆’还要喊三次，什么早请示晚汇报，打电话先要念语录。”

武汉肺炎爆发后，北京和湖北等地支持政治宣传主旋律、“歌德”的不少。但是，也有在瘟疫中的“觉醒者”，呼吁不要忘记左折腾的悲剧，要讲真话。被称为“吹哨人”的李文亮医生，说了“内心话”：“健康的社会不应只有一种声音，……真相最重要。”

小说家阎连科从大跃进的谎言，说到“现在”：“已经开始响起高歌颂圣、大肆欢庆的锣鼓了”。他说：“在海洋般的歌声中，面对新冠肺炎的根起和蔓延，如果我们不能把疑问大声说出来，而小声的嘀咕也是良知和勇气。”

武汉名作家方方日前在微信发表的文章，说：“检验一个国家的文明尺度，从来不是看你楼有多高、车有多快，不是看你武器多强大、军队多威武……检验你的只有一条：就是你对弱势人群的态度。”

这些另类声音，很快就会在网警“亮剑”之下“消声”。各地的微信群正在被封号，就连大平台腾讯旗下的“大家”，也在封号中沉寂。

瘟疫中觉醒，要说出真话。这是南阳生反思中的心声，但这种声音只能埋藏甚至埋葬在心里。

南阳生失去了自我，但也在寻找自我，他不知道自己下一步如何去做。

Wake up（107）

 

107

 

Nan Shanyun asked his sister Nan Liwa to chat with his brother Nan Yangsheng. The three brothers and sisters are rarely together, what are they chatting about?

After Nan Yangsheng obtained a doctorate in psychology from the Central Plains College of Humanities, the first thing he did was to go home and have a look. When he returned to his hometown and returned to the dilapidated old house, he realized that the old house had been relocated. His adoptive mother He Zhonglan and grandfather He Jiafu , and his younger brother Nanshan Yun temporarily lived in a dilapidated temporary house. The younger sister, Nan Liwa, is temporarily staying at the home of Chai Jianhua, an old Chinese doctor who is a good friend of her grandfather. Chai Jianhua's home is actually a traditional Chinese medicine shop, and there is a shop sign with the words "Jianhua Pharmacy" hanging on the door of the shop. There is a curved ruler-shaped counter in the store, and there is a Qinglong brand standing vertically inside, with the word "tonic" written on it. There are also medicine cabinets, medicine drawers, tables and chairs in the store, and tin medicine bottles and colored Xizi bottles are placed on the top of the medicine cabinets. On the recommendation of Chai Jianhua, Nan Liwa worked as a temporary worker in the "Jianhua Pharmacy" in the town.

Nan Yangsheng said to his younger siblings: "I am very happy to see you. Sometimes I miss my childhood. But I find that I don't have many common topics with my classmates in elementary school or even in middle school. Because this generation is too diverse, everyone The movies or programs I watch are different. Even the most popular TV series "Harem Zhen Huan Biography" or the movie "Life of Pi" will not let me talk about going with my classmates on the date. It will not be me Feel free to chat with those students about the wonderful episodes, because there are still a small number of people watching, at least those of my old schoolmates have basically never seen it. They are busy with work, it should be said that they are busy with making money, and there is almost nothing to communicate with except for making money of."

Nan Shanyun smiled: "Brother, it's not that your classmates have changed, it's you who have changed. You are now a Ph. Now I am a high-achieving student, but I am still a bumpkin. I don’t understand the outside world, and I don’t care about the outside world. I only pay attention to the things and interests in front of me. My love and hate happen around me.”

Nan Yangsheng was stunned for a moment, and said to his sister Nan Liwa: "Liwa, what do you think?"

Nan Liwa said bluntly: "I agree with what Yunshan said. When I was a child, I often went to my classmates' homes to watch TV. Most of the time, the screen was rustling and there was no picture. It was four or five in the evening when the TV was on. Maybe the theme song of the cartoon, "Scientific Peter Pan", "British Sweets"... not only for the immediate enjoyment of watching. The next day, when I go back to school, I can still talk to my classmates, classmates You will come and review yesterday's plot. When we were in middle school, we watched the crazy Hong Kong drama "Chu Liuxiang", and everyone could sing the theme song. The female students in the class would often ask for Shen Huishan and Su Rongrong, which one is Chu Liuxiang? Wife, you are blushing. My classmates from elementary school and middle school have been in contact with each other, because most of us have never left this small town. In my eyes, the world is only as big as a small town."

Nan Yangsheng thought for a while and said: "Both of you are right, I have changed. Today, society is diversified, and Internet technology catalyzes the arrival of Generation I. Apple computers, iPhone, iPad, iPod and iMac, are aimed at everyone. , and vote for what 'everyone' likes, to meet the needs of 'individuals'. Therefore, everyone only watches the TV and movies they like, listens to the music they like to listen to, and reads the articles they are interested in."

Nan Shanyun smiled and said to Nan Yangsheng: "My elder sister and I don't read much. My elder sister can read "Dream of Red Mansions" and "Romance of the West Chamber". I like to watch "Water Margin" and "Romance of the Three Kingdoms". The books on peasant uprisings that I read when I was a child are now banned. For example, Chen Sheng, Wu Guang, the Yellow Turban Army, the Taiping Army and the Boxers are all criminals. The old man called on the people to unite, overthrow all reactionaries, and eliminate the exploiting class. What's wrong with that? Violence must be used to suppress the villains who oppress the people. For example, the current urban management is a group of villains. They once bullied grandpa. There are many poor people who set up stalls. I wish I could kill them!"

Nan Yangsheng was frightened into a cold sweat when he heard what Nanshan Yun said: "Yunshan, did the city management ever bully grandpa?"

Nanshan Yun said angrily: "This is what I experienced personally. I was right next to Grandpa, and I would strike when I should. These villains were a little scared when they saw me, so they gave up."

Nan Liwa said: "I support Yunshan, and everything he said is the truth. After my grandfather was bullied by the urban management, he fell ill when he returned home. You are a doctor. Tell me, how should we deal with these urban management? Do we just let them Bully us?"

Nan Shanyun said: "Recently, I saw Fang Fang's diary on the Internet "What should I do if a person loses his dignity?" I was very inspired. Fang Fang is a famous writer in Wuhan. story."

In the middle and late period of the Cultural Revolution, a bungalow was built under the wall next to Fang Fang’s house. The house was very small and simple, extremely cold in winter and extremely hot in summer, so Uncle Xu and Aunt Xu moved in there. They have no children and the house is barely livable. Every morning, Uncle Xu dragged a garbage truck, rang a copper bell, and began to sweep the floor and collect garbage in the dormitory. He and Aunt Xu are responsible for the cleanliness of the entire dormitory. In Fang Fang's impression, Uncle Xu's blue coat was already whitish, with some patches on it. He often has no expression on his face, rarely talks to people, let alone sees him laughing, as if he only knows how to do things, and everything else has nothing to do with him.

However, Fang Fang knew that Uncle Xu, who was once very heroic, free-spirited and enthusiastic, was an engineer in her father's unit. He was much younger than people like her father. Precisely because he is young, full of youth, and placed in a place where there are a lot of old-fashioned intellectuals, he can easily become a radical in a fiery movement. Fang Fang vaguely heard that Uncle Xu seemed to have been a small leader of a mass organization, but people said that he was on the wrong team. Because of this, Uncle Xu was kicked out of his comfortable office and became a silent cleaner in the dormitory compound every day. His former colleagues either passed him by every day, or carried a trash can to his side to empty a bucket of trash. Although they didn't say anything to each other, there was no rolling eyes or sarcasm, but for Uncle Xu, it was still an extremely embarrassing scene, a moment of no self-esteem at all. What kind of strong will is needed for a person to live like this to survive? Living in humiliation is not easy.

Fang Fang wrote in his diary: Uncle Xu is weaker or more self-respecting than Uncle Xu is his own brother Uncle Xu. Uncle Xu is also an engineer, so his qualifications are naturally older than Uncle Xu's, and his status is also much higher than Uncle Xu's. Uncle Xu's family is very respected in our dormitory because Mama Xu is a very kind teacher and because all the children in their family are college students. Such families were rare at the time. Uncle Xu and Uncle Xu lived in the same dormitory area. When Uncle Xu dragged a garbage truck and walked past Uncle Xu's house every day, what kind of feelings would Uncle Xu have in his heart? Is it pain, or helplessness? Only Uncle Xu knew this.

Naturally, the Cultural Revolution would not let people like Uncle Xu go easily. One day, Uncle Xu was also locked up. At that time, many people were locked in the basement of the office building. The place was dark and damp, and the sun was not visible. In it, people are no different from prisoners, and their freedom and dignity are deprived together. Uncle Xu was naturally among them. Unlike others, Uncle Xu resisted at the cost of his own life. For a while, the news spread in the dormitory that Uncle Xu committed suicide in fear of crime. It is said that before Uncle Xu was locked up, he put the blade in the hat, took it in, and then cut his own pulse to commit suicide. Fortunately, Uncle Xu did not die because of this. He was discovered in time and sent to the government hospital. After rescue, he came back to life. For Mother Xu and her children, this is a great blessing, but what about Uncle Xu himself who is determined to die? It's hard to say if it's a good thing or not.

One day, Fang Fang passed by the entrance of the hospital, and happened to see a thank-you letter written by Xu’s mother and her children, thanking the party, thanking the leaders and thanking the hospital for saving Uncle Xu. When she saw it, she felt a very strange feeling in her heart. The red paper thank you letter posted on the wall remained in Fangfang's memory for a long time. Many years later, when she passed the hospital again, the thank you letter still appeared in her mind. Suddenly, she wondered if Uncle Xu at that time also had such gratitude, and wondered what kind of pain and sorrow Mama Xu felt when she wrote this thank you letter.

Fang Fang wrote in his diary: My father said that what a person is most afraid of being deprived of is not wealth, status, status, or even family, but his dignity. If he loses this, what is the meaning of his life? Woolen cloth? I don't think my father's words are so right, but I remember it, and I also remember Uncle Xu's expressionless face and the big red thank you letter pasted on the hospital door.

Nan Yangsheng listened to Fang Fang's diary narrated by Nan Shanyun, "What should a person do if he loses his dignity?" ’, I suddenly felt that I was that Uncle Xu or Uncle Xu. His heart is very painful.

What happens when a person loses his dignity? Nan Shanyun said confidently: "Some people opposed the Cultural Revolution, saying that the Cultural Revolution was a ten-year catastrophe, and even opposed the Restoration of the Cultural Revolution. I don't know what the Cultural Revolution is, but I know that the Cultural Revolution was a mass movement initiated by Chairman Mao. The masses supported Chairman Mao and Chairman Mao. There is nothing wrong with it, and neither is the people. Why is there still a portrait of Chairman Mao on the top of Tiananmen Gate? Why did those who opposed Chairman Mao shouted long live Chairman Mao in the first place? Do you dare to take down Chairman Mao’s portrait now?"

Nan Yangsheng obviously felt that there was a big gap in social cognition between himself and his younger brother Nanshan Yun, but he didn't want to have arguments and conflicts with his younger brother, so he kept his mouth shut. He began to worry about his younger brother, not knowing what trouble his younger brother would cause in the future.

Nan Shanyun didn't seem to care about this, he said to his brother and sister: "I must live with dignity, and I will make those villains pay the price."

醒悟（107）

 

107

 

南山云约了姐姐南丽娃一起与哥哥南阳生聊天。兄妹三人难得在一起，闲聊什么呢？

南阳生取得了中原人文学院心理学博士学位后，第一件事就是回家看看，当他返回家乡，回到破旧的老宅后，才知道老宅因动迁，自己的养母何中兰和外公何家福，还有弟弟南山云暂居在一个破旧的临时屋。妹妹南丽娃则暂时寄宿在外公好友老中医柴健华家中。柴健华的家其实是个中药店铺，店铺门口挂着“健华药店”四个字的店招。店内有个曲尺形的柜台，里面直竖一青龙牌号，写有“补品”两字。店内还有药柜、药抽屉、桌椅，药柜上端放置锡制的药瓶和喜字彩瓶。南丽娃在柴健华推荐下，在镇上的“健华药店”当临时工。

南阳生对弟妹说：“看到你们，我非常高兴。我有时候会怀念小时候的事。但是发觉我与小学，甚至中学时期的班上同学共同话题不多。因为这个世代太多元了，大家看的影片或节目都不同。即使是目前最夯的电视剧《后宫甄环传》或电影《少年Pi的奇幻漂流》，也不会让我与期日的同学谈到一起去。也不会是我随意可以与那些同学畅谈的精彩情节，因为看的人还是少数，至少我的那些旧时学友基本上都没看过。他们忙于工作，应该说是忙于赚钱，除了赚钱的事，几乎没有什么可交流的。”
    南山云笑了：“哥，不是你的同学变了，是你变了，你现在是博士，你的视野当然与那些乡下年轻人不同啦。我和你的想法和说法也不一样哇，你现在是高材生，我还是土包子。我不了解外面的世界，也不关心外面的世界，我只关注眼前的事和眼前的利益，我的爱和恨，都发生在身边。”

南阳生愣了一下，对妹妹南丽娃说：“丽娃，你的看法呢？”

南丽娃直言说：“我同意云山说的。我小时候，常到同学家里去看电视，大部分的时间，萤幕打开是沙沙沙的没有画面。要到了傍晚四、五点，电视机才可能大声传来卡通片的主题曲，《科学小飞侠》、《小甜甜》……不是只有看的当下享受。隔天，我回到学校，还可以跟同学们口沫横飞，同学们会你来我往地温习昨日的剧情。中学时，我们看疯港剧《楚留香》，主题曲人人都会唱。班上女同学们还会常为了沈慧珊、苏蓉蓉，哪一位才是楚留香的妻子，争的面红耳赤。我小学和中学的同学一直来往，因为我们大多没有离开过这个小镇。在我的眼里，世界也就一个小镇这么大。”

南阳生想了想说：“你们俩都说得对，是我变了。如今，社会多元化，加上网路科技催化Ｉ世代的到来。苹果电脑iPhone、iPad、iPod与iMac，对准每个人，也投‘每个人’之所好，满足‘个人’之需求。所以，每个人只看自己爱看的电视、电影，只听自己爱听的音乐，只看自己感兴趣的文章。”

    南山云笑着对南阳生说：“我和姐姐读得书不多，姐姐会看『红楼梦』『西厢记』，我爱看『水浒』『三国演义』，我俩都爱看『西游记』。小时候看的农民起义那些书，现在成了禁书了，如陈胜吴广、黄巾军、太平军和义和团都是罪犯，农民起义是反政府，是煽动暴力。毛主席不是说过‘造反有理’吗？他老人家号召人民团结起来，打倒一切反动派，消灭剥削阶级，这有什么错？对欺压百姓的恶棍，就得用暴力去镇压。比如现在的城管，那就是一群恶棍，他们曾欺侮过外公，还有很多设摊的穷人。我恨不得杀了他们！”

    南阳生听了南山云说的话惊吓出一身冷汗：“云山，城管欺侮过外公？”

    南山云怒道：“这是我亲身经历的，我就在外公身边，我该出手时就出手，这些恶棍见到我有点害怕，这才罢休。”

    南丽娃说：“我支持云山，他说的句句是实话。外公被城管欺侮后，回家就病倒了。你是博士，你说，我们应该如何对付这些城管？难道就任由他们欺侮我们？”

南山云说道：“最近，我从网上看到方方写的日记『一个人失去了尊严怎么办？』我很受启发。方方是武汉著名作家。她讲了一个邻居许叔叔和许伯伯的故事。”

在文革的中后期，方方家房子旁边的墙根下盖了一间平房。房子十分狭小简陋，冬天极寒夏天极热，许叔叔和许婶婶就搬进了那里。他们没有孩子，房子勉强可住。每天上午，许叔叔便拖着一辆垃圾车，摇着一只铜铃，开始在宿舍扫地和收集垃圾。他和许婶婶负责着整个宿舍的清洁卫生。方方印象中许叔叔的蓝外套已经发白了，上面打着些补丁。他常常面无表情，很少与人讲话，更不曾见他笑过，仿佛他只知道做事，其他一切都再与他无关。

然而方方知道，曾经很英武很洒脱也很热情的许叔叔是她父亲所在单位的工程师。比起她父亲这些人，他要年轻得多。正是因为年轻，青春洋溢，置身于一个老牌知识分子成堆的地方，便很容易地成为火热运动中的激进分子。方方隐约听说许叔叔似乎还做过一个群众组织的小头目，只是，人们都说他站错了队。许叔叔却因了这个缘故，被人从舒适的办公室中赶了出来，成为宿舍大院里每天垂眉低头缄默不语的清洁工。他的旧日同事或天天与他擦肩而过，或提着垃圾桶去他的身边倒一桶垃圾。虽然彼此间都不说什么，没有白眼也没有讽刺，但对于许叔叔来说，那仍然是无比难堪的场景，是根本没有自尊的时刻。一个人这样活着，需要怎样坚强的意志才能撑得下去呢？屈辱地活着并不是件容易的事。

方方在日记中写道：比许叔叔脆弱或者说比许叔叔更自尊的是他的亲哥哥许伯伯。许伯伯也是工程师，他的资格自然比许叔叔更老一些，他的地位也要高于许叔叔很多。许伯伯一家在我们宿舍非常受人尊敬，因为许妈妈是一个待人格外亲切的老师，还因为他们家所有的小孩全都是大学生。这样的家庭在当时并不多见。许伯伯和许叔叔两兄弟同住一个宿舍区，当许叔叔每天拖着垃圾车沉重地从许伯伯家门口走过时，许伯伯心里将会有着什么样的感受呢？是伤痛，还是无奈？这一点只有许伯伯自己知道。

文革对于许伯伯这样的人，自然也不会轻易放过。有一天，许伯伯也被关了起来。那时有很多人都是关在办公楼的地下室。那地方阴暗潮湿，不见天日。人在其中，与囚犯无二，自由与尊严都一起被人剥夺。许伯伯自然也在其间。与其他人不同的是，许伯伯以自己的生命为代价进行了反抗。一时间宿舍里遍传许伯伯畏罪自杀的消息。说许伯伯被关前就把刀片放在帽子里，带了进去，然后割脉自杀。所幸许伯伯并没有因此而丧生，他被人及时发现，送到了机关医院。经过抢救，他活了过来。对于许妈妈和儿女们，这自是件天大的幸事，但对于决意去死的许伯伯自己呢？很难说是不是好事了。

有一天，方方从医院门口过，偶然地看到了那里贴着许妈妈率儿女们写的感谢信，感谢党感谢领导感谢医院救了许伯伯，她看时心里竟有一种十分异样的感觉。那张贴在墙上的红纸感谢信便久久地留在了方方的记忆里。许多年后，她又一次从那医院门口过，脑子里还浮出感谢信的样子。突然间，她就想，不知道当时的许伯伯是不是也怀有这样的感谢，不知道许妈妈写这份感谢信时心里又是怀着怎样的伤痛和酸楚。

方方在日记中写道：我父亲说，一个人最怕被剥夺的不是财富不是地位不是身份甚至连家庭都不是，而是他的尊严，把这个丧失掉了，他活着的意义又有什么呢？我并不认为我父亲这话说得多么对，但我却记住了它，同时也记住了许叔叔没有表情的面孔和贴在医院门口那张大红色的感谢信。

南阳生听了南山云讲述的方方日记『一个人失去了尊严怎么办？』的故事，突然感到自己就是那个许叔叔或许伯伯。他的内心十分痛苦。

一个人失去了尊严怎么办？南山云理直气壮地说：“有人反对文革，说文革是十年浩劫，甚至反对文革复辟。我不知道文革到底是什么，但我知道文革是毛主席发动的群众运动，群众拥护毛主席，毛主席就没有错，人民也没有错。为什么天安门城楼上至今还挂着毛主席的像？那些反对毛主席的人，当初为什么高喊毛主席万岁？现在敢不敢将毛主席的像取下来？”

南阳生显然感到自己与弟弟南山云的社会认知差距很大，但他不想与弟弟发生争论和矛盾冲突，他闭上了自己的嘴。他开始为弟弟担心，不知道，弟弟将来会惹下什么祸。

南山云对此似乎毫不在意，他对兄姐说：“我一定要活出尊严，我会让那些恶棍们付出代价。”