Liberate yourself Chapter 46

1

 

Chunxue covered up all the filth on the earth, the world appeared chaste and pure, it was only a temporary superficial appearance. The father was driven away by his mother. His desire to reunite with the child was shattered. The lingering spring snow is still falling.

Enticed by the snow, the children of the neighbors also made snowmen together and played in the frolic. I was lost.

When the neighbor girl Wan Wan came to me, she asked me: "Who was that man just now? He asked me about you and he said your name. I told him that you are here."

"He is my father." I lowered my head and said.

The girl Wan Wan widened her eyes: "He is your father, why is he leaving again?"

God is not beautiful, the snow is getting bigger and bigger, but I can't feel the gentleness of snowflakes in the snow. The deeper the love for my father, the more he misses. Today, in the rain and snow beating, my father's sudden appearance surprised me. When he walked in front of me, the moment of the world was frozen at this moment.

But because of his mother's rejection, his father left. I believe that my thoughts about my father are not lonely, because my emotional trust will remain in my father's heart.

Missing in the rain and snow is a kind of happy loneliness. What I have is happy sorrow, sweet melancholy, because I know my father is still alive.

 A man who knows to remember in his heart forever, and relies on one another in his dreams, the thoughts in his heart are in tears, and the feeling of father and son will never change.

My father is like a traveler, bringing a hope to my life journey.

What delighted me was the gentle encouragement of the girl. She said to me quietly, "Your father will definitely be back."

 

2

 

The neighbor girl Wan Wan told her mother about my father. Her mother sighed: Life will always torture people, let go of it, learn to liberate yourself so that you can at least live for yourself.

There will always be some touches in life, and there will always be secret fragrances to fill the atrium. It should be said that Wan Wan is very kind to me and also very kind. We have never spoken. She admires me very much. Not only am I the kid king in that alley, but I can also paint, cut paper, and sculpt, and also make dolls, shuttlecocks, and even spin and hook scarves. I am older than them, and my academic performance is not bad, so I often become their family counselor.

The one thing that impressed me most was the summer when my elementary school was about to graduate.

I remember that I was lying on the square table at home, drawing Bao Gong behind a piece of waxed paper. I put the painted wax paper on the learning board made of iron sheet, and used a small knife made of saw blade to cut the paper.

Wanwan pushed the door of my house open. I looked up and she murmured to me: "I want to ask you to help cut a pair of shoes."

I am very proud: "This is also a thing? OK, what kind of cut?"

She promised to say: "You have cut the magpie plums for Yanling, and cut a pair for me."

Yanling is the neighbor girl who lives in the former guest hall. She is four years younger than me. Yanling often sits on the stairs and does her homework. When I see it, she always smiles sweetly. She has two very beautiful dimples.

Yanling's brother is the same age as my little sister, but not studying in a school. The little girl has a good academic record and has never been abused. And Yanling's brother is a naughty ghost, his homework is always pulled down, or a string of red lanterns is hung.

Yanling's brothers and sisters also grew up in the same Shikumen with my brothers and sisters.

Wan Wan said, let me cut a pair of magpie plums for her, and I want to cut the same pair as Yan Ling, I readily agreed. However, I said to her: "Okay, I will cut the shoes for you. But I don't like to do repeated things."

I found a piece of red paper, folded it in half, thought about it, and cut it. Wanwan stared wide at the side, looked at the scissors in my hand, and kept turning smartly.

After a while, I unfolded the paper-cut, and a pair of beautiful Mandarin ducks appeared in front of her vividly. I put the paper-cut on the table to smooth out the creases by hand. Unexpectedly, a breeze floated in from the window, blowing one of the paper-cuts to the ground. I and Wanwan bent over to pick it up at the same time. My hand just touched the one. When drifting to the paper-cutting floor, she did not pay attention when she bent over. The clothing corner brought the scissors on the table to the ground. When the scissors fell to the ground, the scissors accidentally touched my left index finger. She wowed. Cried.

Wanwan quickly grabbed my hand, and blood spewed from my finger. A drop of blood happened to fall on the paper-cutting on the table. The blood dripped on the wings of the mandarin duck, leaving a drop of blood.

She panicked. And for me, sucking the injured finger with my mouth: "It's okay. The skin is scratched."

Since then, Wan Wan has treated me particularly well. She told me that she and her brother were born in Hong Kong. Her aunt sometimes sends some candy brought from Hong Kong, and she will secretly stuff it into my mouth when I am not paying attention.

Sometimes, she would fight with me and even snatch my photos. I chased it a few times, and she just didn't give it back to me, but still got angry with me.

One morning, I was carrying the dustpan to prepare the garbage, and she also took the dustpan to empty the garbage. I said to her: "The rubbish is heavy and dirty. I'll pour it out for you."

I pressed her rubbish dustpan over my rubbish dustpan. She was anxious: "No, it's too heavy."

I smiled: "It's okay." When I went to take out the garbage, she followed me all the way.

In the future, when she saw me go to the trash, she would often go to the trash with me.

But I don’t remember what we all said at that time.

 

 

3

 

There was a small space under the stairs leading to the three-story loft, where the mother put the dustpan and broom. Unexpectedly, for this small space, Mommy Wanwan had a conflict with her mother and even quarreled.

My little sister stood on the side of her mother and opened a loud voice to Mom Wanwan. But I stayed far away, I did not join the battle for "land use rights". Wanwan did not join. As usual, she still went with me to the trash, and always talked and laughed along the way.

    Once, Wan Wan called me to her house and took out a thick magazine from under the bed to show me. She opened the magazine, and each page was sandwiched with a shoe pattern cut in red paper. The patterns include phoenix dance peony, magpie plum blossom, mandarin duck playing in water, and lion hydrangea. It's really dazzling. I was stunned. These shoes were almost all cut by me for her. I didn't expect that I had cut so much, nor did she expect that she had saved so well.

She picked up a piece of paper-cutting and asked me: "Look, this pair of Mandarin ducks are playing in water. How good is the cut? This is what I left behind. Do you know who cut it?"

I picked up the pair of paper cuts and mysteriously said to her, "Is this pair of slippers designed by me?"

She widened her eyes: "Not you, who else? Look, there is blood here.

Well, this is a memorial you left him. "

I picked up the paper-cutting. Sure enough, beside the wings of a mandarin duck, I saw light blood stains on it.

Wanwan picked up the paper with blood stains and looked at me and said, "Every time I see this blood-splattered mandarin duck, I think of it. Or do you keep it? Memories."

I clipped the pair of mandarin duck paper-cuts in the magazine and gave it back to her: "I'm going to middle school right now, maybe, you are right, our boyhood is over."

When she turned the magazine, she dropped a two-inch photo of her from the magazine. She picked it up, looked at it for a while, and said to me: "This photo is for you. I may be going to Hong Kong. Keep it as a memorial."

A few days later, I received a middle school admission notice.

 

4

 

In fact, at that time, it was impossible for the neighbor girl Wan Wan to go to Hong Kong, it was only her dream.

The day I received the middle school admission notice, the girl Wan Wan told me one thing, it was about my father and mother.

The girl Wan Wan said to me, "Why did your mother reject her when your father came to you?"

"I don't know. I still don't understand. My brother and I didn't dare to ask her. Because my mother hates my father." I said.

"No," the girl Wan Wan said to me: "Actually, your mother wants you to have a father, and she doesn't want to lose her husband forever."

"How do you know?" I asked.

Wanwan said to me, "My mother said to me. You have an uncle, that is, your father's brother, and your aunt wrote to tell your mother that your father had been to Taiyuan from Hefei, and he was visiting you Uncle and aunt. At that time your father was penniless. Not even decent clothes. Your aunt took off her cotton pants and gave them to your dad."

Wanwan told me again: "Your uncle failed to take your dad because of your dad's influence, your uncle was subject to organizational censorship. Maybe a political campaign is about to start again, I don't know what a political campaign is, but my mom treats me Say, the political movement is to criticize the struggle and catch the bad guys. Your father and my parents are both said to be bad guys. If your father returns to Shanghai and lives in your home, your mother will be criticized. Your father crossed the line and had to give your father to the police station."

I was dumbfounded. In the age of fighting with the sky, fighting with the earth, and fighting with people, I have to learn to fight with my parents. This is the characteristic of Chinese society.

Later, I understood my mother's wish from my elder brother: she hoped my father would be a new man, return to the team, and be a useful person to the society. The mother's younger brother and younger daughter-in-law, younger sister and brother-in-law are all soldiers and members of the Communist Party. The mother cannot recognize and accept that her husband is a person who has been identified as a bad element by the Communist Party and the government.

 

5

 

It took me nearly 5 years to finally complete my first autobiographical novel, which was officially published by Henan Haiyan Publishing House in December 1989.

Over time, nearly 30 years have passed. I have written many books, but I cannot continue to write the second autobiographical novel. It's not that there is no time, or that you don't want to write it down, but as time goes by, society is changing and people's thinking is also changing. There are too many injustices in life, especially too many things that you don't understand. Everything in the past is actually a nightmare.

I am a peer of the Republic, and I am walking step by step in the Republic.

I thought that the misfortunes of myself and my family were only personal things. Later, I really learned that the misfortune of any person and any family is actually the misfortune of society.

From a social point of view, I re-examined life and society, but found how absurd the road I once traveled.

I have shouted too many slogans in my life:

 

The East Red Sun rises...

Anti-American assistance to North Korea, defending the family and defending the country...

Three years of preparation, ten years of construction...

Repel the bourgeois insane attack.

Building socialism...

Speak loudly and speak freely...

Anti-right movement, four harmful elimination movement...

Three red flags, catching up with the United Kingdom and overtaking the United States...

Communism is heaven...

 

This is the slogan of my childhood and childhood.

Xingyue moves, time flows.

I shouted slogans all the way and walked through more than half a century of ups and downs.

The power of the slogan is indeed huge, so big that I don’t know what the truth is, so big that I don’t know how big the world is.

Childhood and youth spent in the slogan; the next cultural revolution has drowned my youth in the slogan... Even if I get older, I still live in the slogan.

Year after year, besides the slogan, what else do I have?

Today is July 4, 2020, which is also my 70th birthday. I rearranged and completed my first autobiographical novel, which is my childhood and childhood story. I am telling the truth, and my goal in life is to liberate myself.

I will write a second autobiography, the years of the Cultural Revolution I spent in slogans, rethink myself, reflect on our country, and reflect on the slogan life of the Chinese.

We have no reason to refuse rational reflection. Liberate yourself, liberate yourself, this is my goal.

 

 

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Written in Shanghai Hengyizhai Bookstore

解放自己 第四十六章

1

春雪掩盖了大地上的一切龌龊，世界显得贞洁而纯静，那只是暂时的表面的浮华。父亲被母亲赶走了。他想与孩子团聚的愿望破灭了。缠缠绵绵的春雪还在下。

在雪的诱惑下，邻居的孩子们还在一起堆雪人，在嬉闹中玩耍。我却陷入了失落之中。

这时邻居女孩婉婉走到我跟前，她问我：“刚才那个男人是谁？他向我打听你，他说了你名字。是我告诉他，你就在这里。”

“他是我爸爸。”我低下了头说。

女孩婉婉瞪大了眼：“他是你爸爸，他为什么又走了？”

天公不作美，雪越下越大，我在雪中却感受不到雪花的温柔。对父亲的爱，感情愈深，思念愈重。 今天，在雨雪敲打中，父亲的突然出现，让我感到惊讶，当他走到我面前时，世界这一刻，时间瞬间定格了。

但由于母亲的拒绝，父亲走了。我相信自己对父亲的思念其实並不孤独，因为我的感情寄托一定会留在父亲的心巢之中。

雨雪中的思念是种快乐的孤独。我拥有的是幸福的忧伤，甜蜜的惆怅，因为我知道父亲还活着。

 一份懂得永记在心，梦里相依为命，心中的思念泪流雨雪中，父子之情永不变心。

父亲仿若某个过客，携一份希望途径我的人生旅程。

让我浅浅一喜的是女孩婉婉的鼓励，她静静地对我说：“你爸爸一定会回来的。”

2

邻居女孩婉婉将我父亲的事告诉了她的母亲。她的母亲叹了口气：生活总会折磨人，放开点吧，学会解放自己，让自己至少能为自己而活着。

生活中总有一些感动，总会暗香拂袖，盈满心房。应该说，婉婉对我很好，也很善意，我们从没发生过口嘴。她对我是很敬佩的，不仅我是那条弄堂里的孩子王，而且我会画画、剪纸、雕刻，还会做布娃娃、毽子，甚至纺纱和钩围巾。我比她们岁数大，学习成绩也不差，因此还时常成为她们的家庭辅导员。

印象最深的一件事，是发生在我小学即将毕业的那年夏天。

我记得我正趴在家里的那张方桌上，在一张腊光纸背后画包公。我将画好的腊光纸放在铁皮做的学习填板上，用一把锯条做的小刻刀在刻纸。

婉婉推开了我家的门。我抬起头来，她对我喃喃地说道：“我想请你帮忙剪一对鞋样。”

我很得意：“这也算事？行，剪什么样的？”

她诺诺地说道：“你给艳玲剪过喜鹊梅花，给我也剪一对吧。”

艳玲是住在前客堂的那个邻居女孩，她比我小四岁。艳玲常坐在楼梯口做作业，见到我总会甜甜地一笑，她有两个非常漂亮的酒窝。

艳玲的哥哥与我小妹同岁，但不在一个学校学习。小妹学习成绩很好，从没挨过骂。而艳玲的哥哥是个淘气鬼，功课总是拉下，要么是大红灯笼挂一串。

艳玲兄妹俩也与我兄妹俩青梅竹马地在同一个石库门里长大。

婉婉说，让我为她剪一对喜鹊梅花，要与给艳玲剪得那对一样，我爽快地答应了。不过，我对她说：“好吧，我为你剪鞋样。但我不喜欢干重复的事。”

我找来一张红纸，对折了一下，想了想，剪了起来。婉婉在一旁瞪大了眼，看着我手中的剪刀，不停地灵巧地转动着。

不一会，我展开剪纸，一对秀美的鸳鸯戏水剪纸栩栩如生地出现在她的面前。我将剪纸放在桌上用手去压平折痕，不料，一阵微风从窗外飘入，将其中一张剪纸吹到地下，我和婉婉同时弯腰去捡，我的手刚触摸到那张飘到地上的剪纸时，她弯腰时没留神，衣角将放在桌上的剪刀带落地下，剪刀在堕落地下时，剪刀口不巧碰到了我的左手食指，她“哇”地一声叫了起来。

婉婉赶紧抓起我的手，我的手指上淌出了血，一滴血凑巧又掉在桌上的剪纸上，血滴在鸳鸯翅膀上渗透着，留下了一滴血迹。

她慌乱了。而我呢，用嘴吮着砸伤的手指：“没关系。擦破点皮。”

自那以后，婉婉待我特别好。她告诉我，她和弟弟都出生在香港。她的大姨妈有时会送一些从香港带来的糖果，她就会乘我不注意时偷偷地塞到我的嘴里。

有时，她还会与我打闹，甚至抢走了我的照片。我追要了几次，她就是不还给我，还要气我。

有一天清晨，我端着垃圾畚箕准备倒垃圾，她也拿着垃圾畚箕去倒垃圾。我就对她说：“这些垃圾，又重又脏，我来帮你倒。”

我将她的垃圾畚箕压在我的垃圾畚箕上，她急了：“不行的，太重了。”

我笑了笑：“没事。”我去倒好垃圾时，她居然一路跟着我。

以后，她见我去倒垃圾时，也常会与我一起去倒垃圾。

但我不记得那时，我们都说些什么。

3

在通向三层阁楼的楼梯下有一个小空间，母亲就将垃圾畚箕和扫帚放在那里。没想到为了这个小小的空间，婉婉姆妈与母亲发生了矛盾，甚至争吵了起来。

我小妹站在母亲一边，对婉婉姆妈扯开了大嗓门。而我却躲得远远的，我没有加入这场“土地使用权”的争夺战。婉婉也没有加入。她与往常一样，仍然与我一起去倒垃圾，也一路上总是说说笑笑。

    有一次，婉婉将我叫到她的家中，从床铺下拿出一本厚厚的杂志给我看，她翻开杂志，每一页码都夹着一张用红纸剪的鞋样，鞋样的图案有凤舞牡丹，有喜鹊梅花，有鸳鸯戏水，有狮子绣球。真可谓琳琅满目。我惊呆了，这些鞋样几乎全是我帮她剪得，没想到自己剪了那么多，也没想到她保存了那么好。

她拿起一张剪纸问我：“你看，这对鸳鸯戏水，剪得多好，这还是我特意留下的呢。你知道是谁剪的？”

我拿起这对剪纸，神秘地对她说：“这对拖鞋花样是我剪的吗？”

她瞪大了眼：“不是你，还有谁？你瞧，这里还有血

迹呢，这可是你让他留下的纪念。”

我拿起剪纸，果然在一只鸳鸯的翅膀旁，看到了上面留有浅浅的血迹。

婉婉拿起那张带有血迹的剪纸望着我说：“我每次看到这只血溅鸳鸯，就会想起那次的事。还是你留着吧，也算对我们的少年时光的回忆。”

我将那对鸳鸯剪纸夹在杂志中，交还给了她：“我马上要进中学了，也许，你说得对，我们的少年时代结束了。”

她在翻杂志的时候，从杂志中掉下了一张她的二寸照片。她捡了起来，看了一会，对我说：“这张照片送给你吧，我可能要去香港了。留作纪念吧。”

几天之后，我收到了中学录取通知书。

4

事实上，在那个年代，邻居女孩婉婉不可能去香港，那只是她的一个梦。

我收到了中学录取通知书那天，女孩婉婉告诉我一件事，那是关于我的父亲和母亲的事。

女孩婉婉对我说：“你父亲来找你们时，你母亲为什么拒绝了她？”

“不知道。我至今也不明白，我和我大哥也没敢问她。因为母亲恨父亲。”我说。

“不，”女孩婉婉对我说：“其实，你妈妈是希望你们有爸爸的存在，她也不希望永远失去丈夫。”

“你怎么知道的？”我问。

婉婉对我说：“是我妈妈对我说的。你有一个叔叔，也就是你爸爸的弟弟，是你婶婶写信告诉你妈妈，你爸爸曾从合肥去过太原，他是去看望你叔叔和婶婶。那时你父亲身无分文。连象样的衣服都没有。你婶婶脱下了自己的棉裤送给了你爸爸。”

婉婉又告诉我：“你叔叔没能收留你爸爸，因为受你爸爸的影响，你叔叔受到了组织审查。也许又要开展政治运动了，我不知道什么叫政治运动，但我妈妈对我说，政治运动就是批判斗争，抓坏人。你爸爸和我的父母一样，都被说成是坏人。你爸爸如果回到上海，住在你家，你的母亲就会被批斗。你妈妈为了与你父亲划清界线，不得不将你父亲交给了派出所。”

我傻眼了。在与天斗、与地斗、与人斗的年代里，我还得学会与父母斗。这就是中国社会的特色。

后来，我从我大阿哥那里明白了母亲的心愿：她希望我父亲重新做人，重新归队，做一个对社会有用的人。母亲的弟弟和弟媳，小妹和妹夫，都是军人，都是共产党员。母亲不能认可和接受自己的丈夫是个被共产党和政府定性为坏分子的人。

5

我化了近5年的时间，终于完成了自己的第一部自传小说，并于1989年12月由海燕出版社正式出版了。这是一部关于我童年生活经历的书。

时间一晃，就是近30年过去了。我写了不少书，但就是没能继续写我的第二部自传小说。并不是没有时间，也并非不想写下去，而是随着时间的流淌，社会变了，人的思想也变了。生活中有太多的不公平，尤其是有太多的看不懂，过去的一切居然全是一场噩梦。

自己是共和国的同龄人，是随着共和国的脚步，一步步走过来的。

自己原以为，自己和家庭的不幸，只是个人的事，后来才真正地明白，任何人、任何家庭的不幸，其实都是社会的不幸。

我站在社会的角度，重新审视人生，审视社会，才发觉曾经走过的路有多么地荒唐。

我这一生喊过太多的口号：

东方红，太阳升……

抗美援朝，保家卫国……

三年准备，十年建设……

打退资产阶级的猖狂进攻……

敲锣打鼓进入社会主义……

百花齐放、百家争鸣……

大鸣大放、畅所欲言……

反右运动、除四害运动……

三面红旗、赶英超美……

不怕做不到，就怕想不到……

共产主义是天堂……

这是我童年和少年时代的口号生活。

斗柄回寅，星移物换。

我一路将口号喊过来，走过了半个多世纪的风雨春秋。

口号的力量确实是巨大的，大到不知什么是真话，大到不知世界究竟有多大。

童年、少年，在口号声中度过了；接下来的文化大革命，又让我的青春淹没在口号声中……即使变老了，仍然生活在口号声中。

一年一年地过去了，留给我的记忆，除了口号，还有什么呢？

今天是2020年7月4日，也是我的70岁生日。我重新整理和完成了我的第一部自传体小说，那是我的童年和少年时代的故事。

我将写第二部自传，写我在口号声中度过的文革岁月，重新反思自己，反思我们的国家，反思中国人的口号生活。

我们没有理由拒绝理性的反思。

2020年7月4日星期六

写于上海恒易斋

Liberate yourself Chapter 45

 

1

 

The lingering spring and snow are endless.

    Chunxue, temporarily covering up all the filth in the ancient land, the world looks chaste and pure!

    For the pure and endless spring snow, to the children, the utilitarianity is not in these. Under the temptation of snow, the children piled up snowmen with their frozen red hands, sculpted their ideals with their own intelligence, and then praised and judged each other in the frolic.

I am 13 years old, and I have begun to lose my childhood dreams. I just stayed aside, staying in the wall away from the child, with a "serious" book in my hand.

The sun in winter sprinkled on me through the gaps of the sparse dry branches on the side of the street. When I was tired of reading, I closed the book, caught my fingers in the gap between the books, and slowly stepped on the street. Wandering in the snow, sometimes kicking the snow on the ground nervously, the snow was kicked around and fluttered around, and calmness was restored in a blink of an eye.

At this time, I look down on the children who make snowmen. What do these little guys know besides frolics?

I admire myself very much and I feel that I understand everything in life. I am already thirteen years old, and when summer comes, I will go to middle school, and I will move closer to young people.

    I walked across the street not far from the children making a snowman. A fat middle-aged stranger dressed in obesity greeted me:

    "Boy, are you already 13 years old?"

    He stood in the snow with thin clothes and two fat hands crossed on his chest, perhaps to make this gesture to resist the cold. His hair was scattered, like a bunch of yellow and turf grass, his eyes were protruding outwards, his eyelids were thickly hung on it, and a thin yellow and black beard mixed with horns was hanging from the corners of his mouth. At this moment, the woman who didn't know whose family had shamelessly extended the mat directly out of the window, dusted the dirt on the fat man's unkempt hair, the stranger was not angry, just two eyes Staring at me deadly. I just noticed that his face was not caused by obesity, but a kind of floating edema. Maybe he sensed my surprise, but still looked at me kindly and said:

    "I think you are a good boy, do you like reading books?"

    "Yes." I was relieved, a little proud.

    He blinked his puffy eyelids slowly and asked me again, "What book are you reading?"

    It should be said that the books I read are not quite commensurate with my current age, but because of this I am proud of it, and of course I feel a little embarrassed. But in the face of this swollen stranger, I answered seriously:

    ""Wu Lin Wai Shi", by Wu Jingzi."

    ""Ru Lin Wai Shi"? Can you read it?"

    "Why underestimate people? I'm 13 years old."

    "Oh, yes, you are 13 years old. If I remember correctly, you are 13 years old..."

    "Do you remember?" I frowned and asked, "Why do you remember my age?"

"Ah... that was the thing before." Suddenly, he shook his shoulders with his hands and curled up. His lips began to turn purple and began to tremble.

I can see that he is hard to resist the cold. His tongue didn't work well, so he finally spit out this sentence between the shaking upper and lower teeth: "You, don't you feel cold?" And explained, "All these years, I feel cold all the time, even It’s summer, I still can’t get rid of the cold feeling, probably I have a terrible illness, and I can’t get hot anymore.”

    His legs were trembling, and his two black, round-toed shoes kept swapping, but it didn't help him. He didn't even have a pair of roving socks.

  "I'm not cold." I said.

I stretched out five fingers and carried a pair of fingerless gloves that my mother gave me with thick and mixed velvet threads. My mother said that this would prevent both freezing and writing.

  "How is your mother?"

  "You asked her what she did? She didn't know you." I asked him back, feeling that he asked was unnecessary; of course I said these words at all without any malicious intentions.

Unexpectedly, he twitched in pain: "Yes, she may not know me, but we used to know."

    I didn't respond to his words, just smiled reluctantly and said:

    "However, I have never heard my mother talk about you. My mother has never had friends, and no one has visited my mother."

    "Is that true?" he murmured: "Can you take me to your mother? I really want to see her, maybe I am the first friend of yours to go out...but, I am like this now Your mother, will your mother hate it?" He seemed to feel colder, holding his arms closer to his shoulders.

His poor request made me have no choice but to fulfill his request; I did not want to hurt the stranger's heart, maybe my mother would be happy to see her old friend. I nodded.

 

2

 

    When I took the stranger to open the door and appeared in front of my mother, my mother looked at him up and down in surprise. I said to my mother: "He said he knew you and was your friend in the past."

"What are you doing here?" Suddenly, the mother roared, just like she usually roared when she was mad.

I was terrified. I realized that I had caused a big disaster. I shouldn’t casually bring a stranger to my mother.

From the mother's desperate eyes, I can see that the mother does know him, and is so angry and angry with strangers...

I want to ask this stranger to leave quickly, so as to avoid accidents, but the man is standing at the door like a stone sculpture. His eyes are full of pity and sadness. His rebuke and resentment towards his mother do not seem to be angry. Instead, he turned his head ashamed.

He spoke, and his voice was miserable:

    "I, I want to come to see the children, see me, no, see you, your children..."

Everything came so suddenly, so inexplicably, reason told me that it was my father who stood before me!

No wonder when the children were making snowmen outdoors, I saw him twirling around there. A few children still pointed at me with their fingers and said something to him. He was inquiring about me and my mother, but why didn't he tell me directly that he was my father? This unpredictable strange man!

    The mother didn’t forgive her father, she was still angry, and she shouted rudely: “You’re going out for me! You’re going out for me! There is no home for you here, the children are the big ones I pull...”

    The air seemed to be frozen by the mother's screaming shouts, and the room was dead, sad, and dull.

My father stood rigidly at the door, like a decaying rotten pile stranded on the beach.

With tears in his eyes, and the sorrow of all people in the world, life and death in the past ten years, his wife and other sorrows.

 

3

 

   My mother continued to yell and shouted loudly to my big brother: "Little Red Guy, what are you doing there? Don't take him to the police station, there is no home here!"

My big brother didn't move, just stared at his father outside with a dull gaze.

The muscles on his father's face twitched and shivered. He turned around silently and walked away quietly. His hope was completely shattered, and he knew that he could never enter this house.

Behind his father, my elder brother moved hard, and his brother sent his father to the police station.

    The father was gone, still silent, suffocating silence. Suddenly, my mother said to me aloud:

    "Go and take the old dress from the cabinet!" I obediently took the old gown from the cupboard worn by my grandfather. The old gown that the original mother planned to change our clothes for was handed over to her.

    The mother took the old gown, took out a needle from the sewing box and picked up a blue thread, twisted the next thread, and put it on the eye of the needle, but I couldn't put it in. I took it from my mother After taking the needle thread and putting it on, she handed it to her mother, who sighed and began to sew on the sleeve.

    "Is he my father?" I asked my mother carefully.

My mother gave me a slanted look, bite the thread with her teeth, trembling her lips, and said to me: "Go give him this dress. You tell him, never come here again from now on..."

After talking, the mother cried, so sad, that she sobbed, choked... I still remember how sad the mother was at that time.

 

4

 

    At the police station, a policeman said to me: "He has already left, he has lifted the reeducation through labor, and worked as a stove-burner in a brick and tile factory in Hefei. He specially took leave to visit you in Shanghai. Your mother refused He, this can't blame your mother, it's because he asked for bitter taste..."

    My head started to dizzy.

    I left the police station and walked on the street with my mother's old clothes. The street was full of indifferent white snow.

    As I stepped on the indifferent thick snow, I saw a man standing in the place where the snowman was standing.

    I hesitated for a while and came to him. He suddenly hugged me.

    "Son." His tears fell on my shoulders, on the back of my hands, and fell on the snow again, bleak and indifferent snow!

    "Dad!" I shouted hard for the first time. He hugged me tighter.

    I don't know how long after that, I started to break free from his arms. Hand over the old dress: "Dad, this is from your mother, she told you not to come again..."

    The father took over the old clothes, stroking with his hands tremblingly, and gradually raised his head: "How about your brother?"

    "died."

The father bit his lip, and it was nailed into the snow like a rotten rotten pile, which was immobile, and seemed to be integrated into the indifferent snow.

 

5

 

   "Child, dad is gone, you have to live well, you have to treat your mom well, when you grow up, you will know, dad is not sorry for you, really, dad is not wrong..." Father wept By the way, he was so sad.

Perhaps I was afraid of my sadness. My dad took me and led me into a food store. The food store was located at the intersection of Yan'an Middle Road and Chengdu South Road. He stood in front of the counter, shook out a few coins, lined up on the counter, counted again, and said to the salesperson: "Buy a piece of chocolate."

    "Have you eaten chocolate?" my father asked me.

    "No."

    "Oh……"

    He stared dullly at the other child in a leather jacket standing by the counter and said, "When Dad sees you again in the future, I will buy you a leather jacket like this..."

    Father finally left. I still remember what he promised me.

    I looked at his vain back, and a sorrowful void filled my heart, and I felt dazed... It seems that I should say a few words, or shout "Daddy" again, but I just stood blankly on the snow .

    Everything is gone!

    I lost my father and lost my childhood joy!

I hope that history will not repeat itself, the children of the world will no longer have my childhood...